I know that I said I was going to write about how I met and married Karl but another theme has been rumbling around in my head. I will do that but I first need to write about my life's perspective.
Now that I've been out of the life style for even longer than I was in it, I do have a different perspective on this whole issue of gay, not gay, born that way, behaviorally that way, etc. It may help many of you come to grips with your struggle if you could see into my life and get some perspective. That is my hope is to give you some perspective. Also to perhaps redefine the discussion a bit. Gay or not gay, heterosexual or homosexual, really does not help us to know who we are. The issue is not those mentioned above but walking with Jesus or not walking with Jesus. If you ask me who I am I would tell you that I am a child of the King, and not only a child but a most precious daughter of the Most High God, an Ambassador for Christ in all ways and times. This is really who I know myself to be. It has taken me time to understand who I am but I am a ways down the path now and know that I will continue to be defined by my God.
Being defined by ones sex partner(s) is very limiting. Just like defining yourself based upon any physical characteristic is limiting, such as being a disabled person, or being an athlete, etc. When I was growing up it was all about Ethnicity. There was a great platform for a person who was black, who was German, who was Italian, etc. But for me, I am 5th or 6th generation American, no great history of cultural background. I had no great platform to draw from that told the world I am __________ and watch out cause I'm coming. I very much felt like a vanilla wafer. Just a plain jane. No black power, no rich Italian history with great food, lots of aunts and uncles, etc, no great brats cooked on the grill with wonderful sauerkraut or better yet corned beef on St. Patty's day with a little green beer. The luck of the Irish be with you now (said with that beautiful Irish accent).
It took God a while to get me connected with my real history. Rich and deep and steeped in knowing Him and His ways. Early in my marriage, because I grew up with out any religion, we were roman catholic in name only, I longed to know more of God and more about Him. I just couldn't read enough, fast enough of His word. It was such a foreign world to me. I did not grow up knowing any bible stories like many children do. I worked it out with my husband to take a year off and go to bible school. That year made many profound things happen in my life but for now the one that I want to share is who am I. I was no longer a gay woman, lesbian, etc. I was now married, working, and growing in Christ but still not knowing who I was. My studies had me reading and being taught much of the Old Testament. My husband loves to tell the story of how I didn't know that the Jews of today are the descendants of the Israelites mentioned all throughout the Old Testament. He thought that this was pretty common knowledge but I was totally unaware of this.
One day I was reading in the Old Testament and God opened my mind to the understanding of who the Jews are. They are His chosen people. Called out of the Ur of the Chaldean's to a land flowing with milk and honey. They were a people who were given the oracles of God, ladened with the promises of God, the temple service, and seeing the divine glory of God (Romans 9:4). What did this have to do with me. Well as I continued to study His Word and see His plan of salvation that He has had in place since He made Adam and Eve, God showed me how I fit into this wonderful plan. I was desired by Him, to be in relationship with Him. The Jews were given the plan of salvation but some of the parts were still hidden until Christ came. God's plan of salvation and blessing never stopped with the Jews but was always intended for all people everywhere. It says in Romans 10:9-12 ...that anyone who calls upon the name of the Lord (Jesus) will be saved. God connected me with my history, my rich culture, my purpose in life. I was no longer a vanilla cookie but a Child of His, loved and pursued long before I was ever knit together in the secret place in my mothers body.
All of this backdrop is important for you to see the details of what I mention below. These details of time incidents are best understood in the broader context of who I am.
1964-7 I have a distinct memory of being baby sat. While the sitter was there I longed to be in her arms and perticularly to open her sweater. I was very drawn to her but do not know why. I also remember dreaming about her as well. I don't know my exact age but this was in our first house so it must be prior to 1968.
1971 I have a distinct memory of longing to be held by my sisters girlfriends as I watched my sister interact with her girlfriends. I'm around 11 years old.
1970-1972 lots of inappropriate sexual contact with several boys (whom I always played sports with and just hung around with). Some of these boys were older, some the same age, and some a bit younger. Also during this time frame I was introduced to pornography books and read several of them and pieces of many others. I'm 10 - 12 years old
1973-74 Sexually abused by an extended family member. I'm 13-14 years old.
1974-78 I become sexually active with several boys. I needed to understand what this whole sex thing was about since my parents had not taught me anything about sex other than to not get pregnant. I very quickly learned that sex outside of relationship was of no value. I also learned that boys only wanted me for my body and could not meet any of my inner needs, nor did they want to. Also during this time my longings to have closer relationships with woman was growing but I did not know how to do this so I just struggled in silence. I also have a strong memory of a time where I really longed to be held by a particular woman gym teacher. I would volunteer for anything that she would want to demonstrate to the class so that she was giving me attention, either directly or indirectly. Also during this time there was another woman gym teacher who was very overweight and all my peers called her a lesbian. I didn't know what this meant but I knew it wasn't good.
1978-1981 I attended college these years and got heavily into drinking and drugs. For me my "rights of passage" into adulthood were: having my own liquor bar in my apartment, drinking coffee, and having a boyfriend whom I had sex with regularly (unprotected I might add).
1979-80 This is the year that I met my cousin Lewis as and adult gay man. The family all knew about him. We happened to have a family gathering in Franklin Indiana. Lewis and I went to a movie together near Indianapolis. Then he invited me to go to a bar for a little party life. I was game and we went. This was my first gay bar experience and it was from this event that I put the connections together in my head that what I must be feeling inside regarding woman is that I am a lesbian. Now this didn't happen immediately but by the time I graduated college, I knew that I was headed to the gay capital of the world, San Francisco. I knew that I could confirm my new identity and become a gay woman with all it's hopes and desires and promises. Even though I didn't believe this to be OK from a society standpoint, I had no moral teaching on why, if this meets my inner needs, it was wrong.
1981 Entered the gay life style lock, stock, and barrel. Had my first couple of sexual experiences with women. Very enticed by the freedom I felt to be fully understood, and set about to find my perfect mate.
1981-83 Met the first person that I have ever loved outside of my family. After being in relationship with her a short period of time, told her that I loved her. I had very strong emotional feelings for her. These were very new feelings, ones that I had never experienced with any other person including my family. This relationship did not work out over time. We could not meet each others needs, going to the bars and drinking and drugs were our main ways of spending time together. We also played softball together, again with lots of beer. I wasn't one to mess around if something didn't work and didn't seem to be able to be fixed, thus I ended our relationship and had her move out. During this time I also was an employee of Applied Materials. I was hired by them just out of college and that is how I got to San Jose. I worked at Applied my whole work life until 1993 when I became a full time stay at home mom with my first two boys. At no time did I ever compromise who I was at work with my social life. Work came first. I was continually being promoted every 1 - 2 years my whole time working at Applied.
1984-87 Met the woman that I talk about in "My Story" http://mystoryofhealing.blogspot.com/
With this woman, I'll call her Sally, I really believed that this was it. I had found my life partner. Little did I know that it would be through this woman and her belief in Jesus that would eventually lead me to Him as well. This was not my only exposure to Him. Before this woman would be in relationship with me I was with another woman and it was her family that loved on me even though I was in a sexual relationship with their daughter. A relationship that was not approved of, but rather than rejecting me, they invited me into their lives and made me a part of their family. They never hid the Truth from me, they answered my questions about God for me. I was very antagonistic towards this whole God stuff. It was very foreign to me. Never once did they return my anger or antagonism, they just answered my questions the best they could and loved me up. It was through these two social situations that Jesus revealed Himself to me. I did not get it yet but Jesus was in hot pursuit of me.
1984 By the end of 1984 my life was a disaster. Emotionally I was falling down a huge whole of probably depression although I was never diagnosed or even went to a doc. I just medicated myself with beer, liquor, and crank or cocaine. Food was also another area that I used to medicate myself. By this time in my life my athletic body was a bit pudgy as I was the heaviest I had ever been (160 - 170 on my 5'6" frame). I went home to WI in December of 1994. Sally would not get involved with me, yet continued to be my friend and mess with me sexually by enticing me with her feminine ways. I left on a flight for WI for two weeks. On that flight I read the Late Great Planet Earth. This was given to me by the other woman's family along with another book, More than a Carpenter. As I read the LGPE book it opened my mind to the possibility of there really being a God and that He was somehow involved in this world but did not change my perspective that I was fully in control of my life.
I was so depressed by the time that I got home that I spent a week on the couch with beer and snack food, gaining ever more weight. The second week I spent at a small family reunion on my Uncles farm. My aunt and uncle were walking with Jesus, their eldest daughter was home from bible college with her soon to be husband (graduating as a pastor). My other aunt and uncle were there who were evangelists sharing Jesus with anyone who would listen, and my other uncle was there who was also walking with Jesus. During this time I had every occasion to ask any question I wanted. For one week I was in this incubator as Jesus worked through my family to reveal Himself to me through them. I didn't understand this at the time. Then my uncle's oldest daughter comes to my room one night and hands me a book by Josh McDowell, Evidence that Demands a Verdict. She challenged me to something, I don't even remember what her challenge was, just that finger pointing toward me and the word challenge. She left the book and I just thought, man you need some help.
Well God being God and knowing me like He does, He knew I could not just let that book lie there on the table, so I opened it and started reading. It didn't take me but about 50-70 pages to logically understand that to refuse Jesus is not logical or reasonable from an intellectual standpoint. Thus I moved from an intellectual position of not thinking one way or the other about God to knowing that I had no reasonable rational way to deny Him and His existence. Thus on New Years Eve I prayed that little prayer and became a Christian. Now part of my motivation was, if this God is so big and so powerful, then He could help me to have Sally become my life partner. So I left this little gathering of family a gay woman who could not deny God and by definition a Christian (even though I did not know what this really meant or how it would change my life.)
1985 - 87 Upon my return from my trip, I called Sally and set up a lunch apt. I wanted to share the news with her that I was now a Christian. Which previously was a major stumbling block in our being in relationship together. Sally also wanted to get together. When we sat down Sally was intent on talking first but I would not let her. I wanted her to know that I had made the decision to follow Jesus (even though I didn't really know what that meant, I knew that it would mean a lot to Sally). I shared my news and it really caught her off guard. You see Sally had come to lunch to tell me that we could not spend any time together any more because I wan not a Christian and my drinking and drugs were not a good influence on her, etc. So when I told her she went from being somewhat sad to being over joyed that we no did not need to stop being friends. I really had no idea what this choice would mean to her and within a short period of time (a few weeks) she gave herself completely to me and we joined our lives together, just as if we were married, money and all.
Over the course of the next few years we physically loved on each other, our sex life was great, our relationship was close and intimate. We spent almost all our time together as we worked together and played together. I did slow down on my drinking and stopped the drug activity all together. At the same time Jesus was still in hot pursuit of me. Sally showed me how to have a time of prayer and worship of Jesus. I didn't care as long as I was with her. She took me to my first Christian Concerts. I would watch her worship through the songs and just long to have that same relationship with Him. Our world was not perfect. There was tension in our relationship that we both chose to ignore and could usually circumvent some how though a sexual encounter.
During these two years together Jesus was also working on my heart. You can read more detail in "My Story" http://mystoryofhealing.blogspot.com/ By then end of these two years we made plans to go to Hawaii. While there it became obvious that we were there for different reasons. Sally went and wanted us to get married. I went in great turmoil because I knew that Jesus was calling me out of the life style and into a fully devoted life to Him. I was heart broken but knew at the same time that to continue in this lesbian life was to deny Him and death. I also knew that to give up my lesbian life and follow Him completely was life. During these two years he healed my hate of my femininity and my fear of rejection. I chose Jesus over Sally. The absolute hardest choice I've ever made and yet so very clear.
1987 - 1988 We come home from Hawaii and separate our lives. Sally takes a job in the state of TX and moves away. I continue to grow in my relationship with Jesus attending church and going to bible studies and just begin to soak up who this God of mine really is and what does it mean in my life. Karl moves from Phoenix, AZ to the Silicon Valley to continue in his career. We already knew each other professionally. We begin doing things together, enjoy one an others company, share our dirty laundry with each other and get married on August 20, 1988. Now is that a birds eye overview.
1988-1990 I have a moral failure prior to getting married. Sally is in town on a business thing, we meet and the connection. The Holy Spirit is prompting me to minimize the time with her but once we are in the car together I push that aside and allow old feelings and lusts to well up inside me. I continue to deny the Holy Spirit and one thing leads to another and we get physically involved and I end up spending the weekend with her. The whole time the Holy Spirit was prompting me to leave until I actually get physically involved, then the promptings stop, even though I knew in my head that I was not going to go back to her, that life didn't work, I was not throwing out Jesus, but felt caught in a trap that I chose to walk into, one that was clearly marked, once in the trap I decided to get my physical pleasure out of it anyway. Then it was home and a full explanation to Karl. We went to our pastor to share the terrible news. He didn't know if he would marry us but my heart was fully repentant and I knew that to prevent this from happening again I could no longer trust myself to be around Sally alone.
Karl and I marry, life is improving since my moral failure with Sally. I'm being promoted at work into a marketing position. This was a big step for me. I was now a really player and decision maker. I went to my first big sales and marketing conference in of all places Hawaii. Karl is also coming to this conference but a bit later than me. I arrive and spent time on the Island one of the smalled islands to do some strategic planning for one of my accounts. I'm feeling really big inside. Flown on the companies dime, with all my expenses cover, spending time with other big wigs way beyond myself, just feeling very full of myself. Now for some time the Lord had been dealing with me about my drinking. You see, I didn't just have an occasional beer or two, I drank to get drunk or didn't drink at all. The only problem was I drank all the time. I just managed it enough to not interfere with work. Well right away the Lord begins leading me not to drink at all and I get into this big head justification with Him that I can drink, just a beer or two, and I'll be fine. So I'm on my way to the pool and sit down with the other sales people and with in a moment there is a nice frosty drink sitting there for me. I didn't even order it. I don't know who did. The Lord tries one more time to say to me resist but I totally refuse Him and sip away. Once that drink touched my lips it was all over. I'm headed for a very big drunk.
My second moral failure. With in a short perioned of time I've now had 3-4 drinks and our group is headed to dinner. We go to dinner and when I arrived several folks are already seated. There is a spot for me to sit, right next to one of my favorite salesman. I had worked on several deals with him and he really treated me with respect. He was married and just had his first baby. He always had new pics and stories whenever he came to the corporate office. I really felt accepted by him. Well with dinner the drinking continues, by now I'm very drunk, but used to drinking lots, so I'm holding my own. We all go back to the hotel and head for the hot tubs. More alcohal. Then it's up to one the the sales folks room to continue the party. More drinking. Finanly I'm done, I say good bye and head to my room. My favorite sales guy escorts me to my room and I'm feeling really great. All this attention, wow. We get to my room and takes my key and opens my door. Then next minute we step inside and there is the moment. He looks at me and I know that he wants me. Man I want to be wanted, even with all the booze, I thought to my self, I not going to refuse this moment of being so wanted even though I know that I will truly regret this moment the next day and that I may have just lost my marriage to Karl. We get involved sexually, it was lousy sex, he finally leaves and I sleep for maybe one hour and it's up for the next round of meetings. I go tothe meetings and leave a few hours into them. I'm so hungover I cannot even think. I didn't care what happened to me. I woke up feeling the most wretched I've ever felt in my life. You see, I had always prided myself on having integrity. That meant that I was never with two people at the same time. So if another did cross my path that I wanted, I would just stop one relationship and start another. God showed me in this moment that not only did I not get what I was chasing after but I also did not have any integrity at all.
Well Karl arrived and we spent the rest of the conference together. I knew that I had to tell him the truth, even though this sales guy tried to convince me otherwise. I knew that if there was any chance of salvaging my marriage it would only happen if I was truthful. Karl had to head for Korea immediately from the conference so I purposed in my heart to share with him what happened upon his return. He arrives home, is crushed by the news, takes the weekend to make a decision, and commits to working on the marriage. We again get into counciling with our pastor and God works a miracle in my life and marriage.
1991 God gives us our first born son, Quinton Edward.
1993 God gives us our second born son, Julian Oliver, and I quit work and become a stay at home mom. Now that I'm home and not distracted with working, caring for the children, and keeping the house up, I have much more time to myself. God begins helping me to meet and be with other moms in the church. I take risks in sharing my past with others in the church while at the same time I am struggling daily with my past. Longings hit me out of the blue, I have fears and feelings of worhtlessness not being connected to a big job, just cleaning house, doing laundry, etc. I am committed to my children and raising them well. I'm reading all kinds of books on parenting. God brgins to me two women, whom I affectionately refer to as my "mother mentors." God continues to love on me, teach me, lead me, and comfort me.
1992-1997 I become the chidren's nursery coordinator. This goes well and the Chidren's Minsitry Staff Leader quits to work in a Christian school. No one on the children's committee that I'm on wants to replace her as a lay leader so I take up the role, someone had to do it. I also had become the leader for the parent participation play group that met at the church twice a week. Not that I really knew anything about children but God was teaching me through the reading of His word and practical help books and other moms whoe were a bit ahead of me.
1997 God gives us our 3rd born son, Connor Andrew.
1994 I go to a conference on being in leadship and being the head of a ministy and get exposed to the idea that God uses people in ways that He has gifted them. I had no heart for children's ministry. I was responding to the fact that no one else was willing and some one had to do it. God used this time in my life to teach me many things, mostly that I can always trust in Him, regardlesss of the circumstances. During this seminar I go to a workship about vision. God calls people into different places for different season. I did not have a vision for chidren's ministry and actually desired to be on the Women's Minsitry Team. I cannot take the children's ministry any further without a vision thus I sense God's leading to step down. During the next few months I'm really struggling because I know the Lord wants me to step down but who will take it up. I feel fully responsible for the chidren's ministry. How can He not bring a leader first so I can hand off this ministry and not have any lags or problems. God continues to lead me to step down and I eventually do but just prior to finishing all my commitments and letter it go God speaks to me.
I'm in my quiet time reading in 2 Kings 20. I'm reading about King Hezekiah and he has just been told by the prophet Isaiah that God was going to end his life. The kings prays and weeps before the Lord and asks Him to extend his life. God sends Isaiah immediately back to the king and says through Isaiah, "I have heard your prayers and seen your tears, I will heal you (2 Kings 20:5)" When I read those words, it was like they were spoke to me right through my body. Not audibly but more like being at a concert and being right in front of the speakers and you can feel the music go right through your body. But not just limited to this physical feeling but beyond it. Like the sound of many rushing waters where all of your senses are bing touched. I looked around the room to see who had spoken those words to me. There was no one. I sat there almost in a state of shock. Why would God say this to me. What did this have to do with my struggle of leaving the children's ministry. So many questions and no answers. What was going on, I didn't know. All I did know is that God spoke those words to me in a very powerful way.
1997 = 2000 Healing from the fear of Abandment Life moves on. I leave childrens' ministry. I'm able to begin participating in the Womens' ministry. My children are growing. My husband is working hard and making good money. We are learning how to live a life in Jesus. Nothing comes of the words that Jesus spoke to me on that morning. I'm discipking other women one on one and seeing their lives changed. God is good. I'm continuing to find freedom from my same sex issues. Struggling less and less and living life more and more before Him. Being an intellectual person I spend a lot of time in my head, thinking about things, pondering things, reading, learning, etc. I had a few question rumbling around in my head that I hae never gotten answers to regarding same sex attractions. I had some good contacts so I called Love In Action to see if I could find answers to my questions. I can't even remember the questions that I had. I called and was passed off to a lady councilor for LIA. I spoke with her for a few minutes and she said that I could have a phone counciling session if I wanted one. I didn't want one, just some answers, but if I needed to set up this appointment I would to get my asnswers. I call back at the appointed time. I don't even remember what propmted her to ask me if I had any mmemories. I recounted a memroy I have from when I was 3 ears old. I know that I was 3 because my older sister was going to her 1st day of K which would have made her 5. I am two years younger. I descirbe for this counclior my memory. I'm standing on the outside of my mother's legs while MB is standing between my moms legs while she brushes MB hair. I'm not happy with this situcation as I wanted to be the one getting the attention from my mother. Now I had told this dream before to others without any feelings connected to this memory. You know when you are with a group of people talking about random things and you say what is your earliest memory and you share those. Well this time as I was recounting this memory for this councilor I was filled with anger and rejection. I had strong feelings of being on the outside while watching MB be on the insdie. Not that MB stole my place but that she had a place that I didn't have, my mothers attention. This moment opened up a whole new life situation for me that I had absolutely no control over. I felt like God had unzipped me during that counciling call. This was the beginning of the longest trial that I have ever had with God that I ended up making the right choices in and the end result was receiving healing from the fear of abandonment. This trial lasted almost two years. For those two years it was like a battle for my life. If I chose wrong it meant getting locked back into the life style. Choosing right meant a new freedom and closer relationship with God and my husband. I will share the fulness of this story in another blog but the end of this trail gave me great freedom and closer realtionship with Him.
2000 - God moves us from CA to MT and gives us our 4th born son Jethro Emmerson.
2004 God gives us the biggest surprise of all our 5th born child, our daughter, and my special gift of further healing, Maylah Rose.
2004-Present. God continues to work and move in my life. I am totally committed to drawing near to Him. I've had opportunities to go into the local high schools and share from my life God's healing and my walk away from the gay life style. My children are growing and doing well. My two oldest know of my background and love me all the same. It has been a long journey but I have found my place in God's community and workings. I continue to be molded by Him for Him. To give you a better persepctive on my place of healings let me share one more little snip it. In my early relationship with my husband, Karl, I would always measure my realtionship with him by my feelings of connection that I had with my women lovers. I felt so emotionally connected to them. I would often wonder if I would ever feel stronger for Karl then I did for these women. Now all these years later, with all the healing, learning, and growing that I've done in Christ, I no longer measure my currently married relationship by my past same sex relationships. In fact then connection that I have with Karl is so much fuller and deeper than I ever could have imagined. In fact I never could have imagined it at all. You cannot know the depth and strength and beauty of a relationship by reading a book but by actually livng it out. It says in the bible that God created them male and female. He told them to go and multiply and subdue the earth. He set in place His system of family by creating the institution of marriage. He said through Adam,
"This is now bone of my bone
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called 'woman,
for she was taken out of man."
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame. Genesis 2:23-25.
I'm in the process of becoming one flesh with my husband. I've not totally arrived yet but I can tell you that I no longer measure my relationship with Karl by my past woman lovers but by the very Words of God above.
Friday, September 7, 2007
Thursday, September 6, 2007
In the beginning - A Daily Struggle
It's 2 am in the morning and I am not able to sleep. The kids have just started school for this year and our lives are very full. My biggest struggle these days is getting enough sleep. By the time we get the boys home from soccer practice, youth group, or whatever it's already 9 pm and that doesn't leave much time to get things ready for the next days adventures. I try to get up at 5 am to have my time with Jesus, get breakfast, and then wake the kids. I've always been an early riser but at my age I just don't survive well on 6-7 hours of sleep per night.
After I told Jesus that I would trust Him and follow Him out of the life style I had no idea what that would look or feel like, or be like. I just knew that He meant real life to me. Read "My Story" to get more in site into my coming to that decision. I did ask Jesus to do one thing for me and that was to bring me a husband and to teach me how to love and trust him as well. As for the details of how that all came about, it will have to be another blog update.
I remember in the early days. I was already married and had just started having children. As Karl and I lived and worked in the same area that I had lived as a lesbian I was continually being challenged. Every time we would go to a place that I had been to as a lesbian it would begin in me a struggle. Old memories, old feelings, and old longings would come rushing into my mind. These times would always side track me and what Karl and I were doing and begin to rob me of the new memories that we were creating together. The first couple of times this happened I didn't know what to do so I struggle alone. After a time I decided to share my struggles with Karl. He would listen to me as I would share with him that particular struggle and then we would pray about it. It didn't take but the first time talking and praying with Karl to discover that this was a part of God's plan for me to help me become released from my past. Every time I struggled and shared this with Karl and then prayed I would be immediately released. No more struggle. No more begin blind sided by the past. No more getting lost in my thought life and missing this new moment with my husband and children.
This brings to mind a scripture. James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
The other struggle that I had in the beginning that was more like moment by moment rather than just daily. When you are in the life style, everything is focused upon sex, you develop an very vivid fantasy life where all your thoughts are constantly imagining sexual things. This would go on all the time. Well when you come out of the life style, this fantasy life that you have developed also steals your life from you. Many different things would trigger this but the one that triggered me frequently was the TV commercials. Like a toothpaste commercial where there would be a woman with a beautiful smile. Those would trigger this thought life to begin. I wouldn't be able to think of anything else.
I don't remember how I learned how to battle this. I just knew that every time my fantasy life was triggered, the Holy Spirit gave me a choice. Almost like He held out two choices to me. If I chose to remain in the fantasy life then I would just continue to struggle. If I chose Him, asked for forgiveness and cleansing, I would receive immediate relief. The fantasy life would no longer control me and I could be present with my husband and children.
This also brings to mind a scripture. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
The two struggles mentioned above happened all the time in the first several years after walking away from the life style. In fact I can remember one occasion. I was in my living room and I had two children and the battle was intense and I was so so tired of always having to have this battle and I can remember asking the Lord, how long must this go on? When will I be free from this constant onslaught. I receive no answer at that time from the Lord. I just faithfully continued to choose Him rather than my past life.
Then one day my husband and I were in a computer warehouse store looking for some things. We had the two boys with us. Karl was looking for one thing and had both boys and I was looking for something else and separated from him to go to another section to find it. I walked down an isle and turned a corner and there, staring me in the face, was the swimsuit addition for sports illustrate mag. This was a profound moment. Normally I would immediately be triggered into a huge fantasy life, but on this day I was actually repulsed by the picture. This was not a choice but a reaction to the poster. I was actually reacting in a normal way. Not that the poster made me throw up or anything but that I didn't want my two young boys to be exposed to the scantally clad woman with all her parts on display. This was not why we were in a computer store. Well, I was still in my reaction state when the Lord said to me. See my daughter, you are finally free from this constant daily struggle of fantasy life. I almost ran up and down the isles of the store and shouted for joy. I was so overjoyed in that moment. I had chosen Him all those many days, even when I was weary from the battle, even though much of me felt that I would never gain freedom. And here it was. I was free. Now does this mean that I've never had any struggles ever again. No but they no longer plagued me daily. In fact today in 2007 I rarely ever have a struggle, I have no fantasy lesbian sexual life. My thought life, when it is sexual is connected to my husband. Even my dreams, when they are sexual in nature, are connected to my husband. This brings to mind another scripture.
Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
This is what God was doing from the very beginning. He was renewing my mind. He was giving me tools to fight spiritually the unseen part of this battle for freedom in Him. Everything that we do has a spiritual component. In fact, all people are body, soul, and spirit. That is how God made us. In a life apart from God we not only will focus on the body first but will refuse the spirit altogether. In order to grow in the Lord we must see that it is our Spirit life that must be given the highest priority. Not that the soul and body are not important, they are. We must keep the order of priority right. Spirit is first and foremost and that is what we are doing as we read the Word of God, pray, worship, etc. The soul is next and the body is the lowest priority. Even the word of God says not to ignore the body for we are God's dwelling place.
1 Corinthians 6:19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
Next up will be, How did I come to marry Karl and what does that have to do with anything.
After I told Jesus that I would trust Him and follow Him out of the life style I had no idea what that would look or feel like, or be like. I just knew that He meant real life to me. Read "My Story" to get more in site into my coming to that decision. I did ask Jesus to do one thing for me and that was to bring me a husband and to teach me how to love and trust him as well. As for the details of how that all came about, it will have to be another blog update.
I remember in the early days. I was already married and had just started having children. As Karl and I lived and worked in the same area that I had lived as a lesbian I was continually being challenged. Every time we would go to a place that I had been to as a lesbian it would begin in me a struggle. Old memories, old feelings, and old longings would come rushing into my mind. These times would always side track me and what Karl and I were doing and begin to rob me of the new memories that we were creating together. The first couple of times this happened I didn't know what to do so I struggle alone. After a time I decided to share my struggles with Karl. He would listen to me as I would share with him that particular struggle and then we would pray about it. It didn't take but the first time talking and praying with Karl to discover that this was a part of God's plan for me to help me become released from my past. Every time I struggled and shared this with Karl and then prayed I would be immediately released. No more struggle. No more begin blind sided by the past. No more getting lost in my thought life and missing this new moment with my husband and children.
This brings to mind a scripture. James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.
The other struggle that I had in the beginning that was more like moment by moment rather than just daily. When you are in the life style, everything is focused upon sex, you develop an very vivid fantasy life where all your thoughts are constantly imagining sexual things. This would go on all the time. Well when you come out of the life style, this fantasy life that you have developed also steals your life from you. Many different things would trigger this but the one that triggered me frequently was the TV commercials. Like a toothpaste commercial where there would be a woman with a beautiful smile. Those would trigger this thought life to begin. I wouldn't be able to think of anything else.
I don't remember how I learned how to battle this. I just knew that every time my fantasy life was triggered, the Holy Spirit gave me a choice. Almost like He held out two choices to me. If I chose to remain in the fantasy life then I would just continue to struggle. If I chose Him, asked for forgiveness and cleansing, I would receive immediate relief. The fantasy life would no longer control me and I could be present with my husband and children.
This also brings to mind a scripture. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
The two struggles mentioned above happened all the time in the first several years after walking away from the life style. In fact I can remember one occasion. I was in my living room and I had two children and the battle was intense and I was so so tired of always having to have this battle and I can remember asking the Lord, how long must this go on? When will I be free from this constant onslaught. I receive no answer at that time from the Lord. I just faithfully continued to choose Him rather than my past life.
Then one day my husband and I were in a computer warehouse store looking for some things. We had the two boys with us. Karl was looking for one thing and had both boys and I was looking for something else and separated from him to go to another section to find it. I walked down an isle and turned a corner and there, staring me in the face, was the swimsuit addition for sports illustrate mag. This was a profound moment. Normally I would immediately be triggered into a huge fantasy life, but on this day I was actually repulsed by the picture. This was not a choice but a reaction to the poster. I was actually reacting in a normal way. Not that the poster made me throw up or anything but that I didn't want my two young boys to be exposed to the scantally clad woman with all her parts on display. This was not why we were in a computer store. Well, I was still in my reaction state when the Lord said to me. See my daughter, you are finally free from this constant daily struggle of fantasy life. I almost ran up and down the isles of the store and shouted for joy. I was so overjoyed in that moment. I had chosen Him all those many days, even when I was weary from the battle, even though much of me felt that I would never gain freedom. And here it was. I was free. Now does this mean that I've never had any struggles ever again. No but they no longer plagued me daily. In fact today in 2007 I rarely ever have a struggle, I have no fantasy lesbian sexual life. My thought life, when it is sexual is connected to my husband. Even my dreams, when they are sexual in nature, are connected to my husband. This brings to mind another scripture.
Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
This is what God was doing from the very beginning. He was renewing my mind. He was giving me tools to fight spiritually the unseen part of this battle for freedom in Him. Everything that we do has a spiritual component. In fact, all people are body, soul, and spirit. That is how God made us. In a life apart from God we not only will focus on the body first but will refuse the spirit altogether. In order to grow in the Lord we must see that it is our Spirit life that must be given the highest priority. Not that the soul and body are not important, they are. We must keep the order of priority right. Spirit is first and foremost and that is what we are doing as we read the Word of God, pray, worship, etc. The soul is next and the body is the lowest priority. Even the word of God says not to ignore the body for we are God's dwelling place.
1 Corinthians 6:19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
Next up will be, How did I come to marry Karl and what does that have to do with anything.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
God is so Amazing
I had a whole other topic for today but at around 3 am I awoke and so did my husband. As we talked he shared with me that he had found something in his classroom at church that I would be very interested in. He found a "little watchman." I was totally amazed. Even now, I am beside myself, thinking about how much Jesus loves me, knows my needs, and chooses to meet them, even when I have not specifically asked Him to. You may be wondering what has any of this got to do with God and my needs. Read on.
I am the mother of five children. Four boys and one girl. My little Maylah being the youngest. All children come from two parents but believe me they are all very different people. They all go through and grow through developmental stages at different rates and different times. One stage that I have been most challenged by is the night time training of making it dry in undies. This was a huge challenge with my oldest son. By the age of 7 we were getting him up at 11 pm to go potty. Then he would still pee through a large pull up and wet the sheets. I didn't know what to do. Withholding water, etc didn't work. Then I found out about a private company who worked with children to train them to do what they have not naturally learned themselves. This program was very expensive and involved my son sleeping on this pad that was connected to this very loud alarm, called the little watchman. The whole point of the program was to train my son to recognize his need to go potty by waking him up every time he began to wet. This program took us about 3 months and felt like I had a new born again. Every time my son wet, he had to get up, turn off the watchman, go to the bathroom, splash his face with water, finishing going potty, go back to his room, change the pillowcase on the pee pad so the alarm would not ring, change into a new dry t shirt and go back to bed. So every night, not only did Quinton get up but so did I. Finally he began to learn the signal that was telling him he needed to get up and go potty. By the end of the 3rd month he was mostly now able to do that. We quit the program and gave back the little watchman but kept the pee pad.
Next comes son number 2. He trained on his own while I was working with son number one. From the age of 2 my second son has been fully night trained and has never had one accident. Next was my 3rd son. He was yet another challenge. He used to wake up in the middle of the night with night terrors and often times would also wet himself. I don't know if they were connected but we spent about 1-2 years climbing up to his bunk bed and holding, consoling, and praying for him. He never remembered any of this the next day. Some times he would even begin to sleep walk. But by the age of four he also was fully trained and the night time terrors were also gone.
Here we are now with my fourth son. He just turned 7 and is still wearing and wetting pullups. We've again tried all the usual methods like withholding water, getting him up by setting his clock alarm, etc. Again none of this is working. I've been talking with my husband about how we are going to solve this problem. Even though he pulls all his wet bed clothes off his bed and gets them into the laundry, this is getting old for us and for him. I had even just mentioned to my husband a few days again that perhaps I would pay my friends son, who is a techy, to build be a device that I could connect to the old pee pad that I had used with my oldest son. I have the capability to do so my self, being the technical woman that God has made me, but I no longer have the time or the desire to do so.
So when Karl comes home from church, with a little watchman, that he found in his room that he teaches Royal Rangers in, a room that he has used for the last 3 years but one that is not solely dedicated to him, a room that is used by many others at different times for different purposes, I am totally amazed. How could this little watchman have gotten into this room and forgotten about? For one thing, when you no longer needed the program for your child the company took the watchman back and left you with the pee pad only. The program will not work without the watchman.
What has any of this got to do with coming out of the life style? Well if my God is big enough to know not only my needs but also the needs of my children and provide for me a "little watchman" so that I can help my youngest son get command over his night time issues He is a big enough God to work in your life to give you full freedom to come out of the life style. I'm not talking about helping you to choose a different behavior even though that is your part of the process. Jesus is big enough to meet you in those secret places of hurt, in those places where you may have believe a lie about yourself, etc. Jesus knows you, in fact He is pursuing you even now. He knows best how to meet your needs and when to meet them. He will ask you to Trust Him and follow Him. Your part is to do just that, Trust Him and follow Him. You will never regret it and will be deeply blessed in doing so.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7)
1And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19)
I am the mother of five children. Four boys and one girl. My little Maylah being the youngest. All children come from two parents but believe me they are all very different people. They all go through and grow through developmental stages at different rates and different times. One stage that I have been most challenged by is the night time training of making it dry in undies. This was a huge challenge with my oldest son. By the age of 7 we were getting him up at 11 pm to go potty. Then he would still pee through a large pull up and wet the sheets. I didn't know what to do. Withholding water, etc didn't work. Then I found out about a private company who worked with children to train them to do what they have not naturally learned themselves. This program was very expensive and involved my son sleeping on this pad that was connected to this very loud alarm, called the little watchman. The whole point of the program was to train my son to recognize his need to go potty by waking him up every time he began to wet. This program took us about 3 months and felt like I had a new born again. Every time my son wet, he had to get up, turn off the watchman, go to the bathroom, splash his face with water, finishing going potty, go back to his room, change the pillowcase on the pee pad so the alarm would not ring, change into a new dry t shirt and go back to bed. So every night, not only did Quinton get up but so did I. Finally he began to learn the signal that was telling him he needed to get up and go potty. By the end of the 3rd month he was mostly now able to do that. We quit the program and gave back the little watchman but kept the pee pad.
Next comes son number 2. He trained on his own while I was working with son number one. From the age of 2 my second son has been fully night trained and has never had one accident. Next was my 3rd son. He was yet another challenge. He used to wake up in the middle of the night with night terrors and often times would also wet himself. I don't know if they were connected but we spent about 1-2 years climbing up to his bunk bed and holding, consoling, and praying for him. He never remembered any of this the next day. Some times he would even begin to sleep walk. But by the age of four he also was fully trained and the night time terrors were also gone.
Here we are now with my fourth son. He just turned 7 and is still wearing and wetting pullups. We've again tried all the usual methods like withholding water, getting him up by setting his clock alarm, etc. Again none of this is working. I've been talking with my husband about how we are going to solve this problem. Even though he pulls all his wet bed clothes off his bed and gets them into the laundry, this is getting old for us and for him. I had even just mentioned to my husband a few days again that perhaps I would pay my friends son, who is a techy, to build be a device that I could connect to the old pee pad that I had used with my oldest son. I have the capability to do so my self, being the technical woman that God has made me, but I no longer have the time or the desire to do so.
So when Karl comes home from church, with a little watchman, that he found in his room that he teaches Royal Rangers in, a room that he has used for the last 3 years but one that is not solely dedicated to him, a room that is used by many others at different times for different purposes, I am totally amazed. How could this little watchman have gotten into this room and forgotten about? For one thing, when you no longer needed the program for your child the company took the watchman back and left you with the pee pad only. The program will not work without the watchman.
What has any of this got to do with coming out of the life style? Well if my God is big enough to know not only my needs but also the needs of my children and provide for me a "little watchman" so that I can help my youngest son get command over his night time issues He is a big enough God to work in your life to give you full freedom to come out of the life style. I'm not talking about helping you to choose a different behavior even though that is your part of the process. Jesus is big enough to meet you in those secret places of hurt, in those places where you may have believe a lie about yourself, etc. Jesus knows you, in fact He is pursuing you even now. He knows best how to meet your needs and when to meet them. He will ask you to Trust Him and follow Him. Your part is to do just that, Trust Him and follow Him. You will never regret it and will be deeply blessed in doing so.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7)
1And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus (Phil 4:19)
Sunday, August 26, 2007
Random Thoughts
I've been musing lately about things from my past. The things that God has done for me or lead me through that have been a great benefit to me. One thing that stands out is how God has helped me to relate to both sexes in a beneficial way. The relearning, or perhaps, new learning that has been coming to mind most is how Jesus gave me a safe environment to learn how to have beneficial relationships with women.
I had been attending Green Valley Christian Church and as God lead me out of the life style and into a married relationship, He gave me my vary own incubator to practice being in same sex relationships that were right and a glory to Him. I knew how to view women as an object of meeting my lusts and desires, wants and needs. I also knew how to hate women whom I viewed as weak based upon my own weaknesses and view of my own femininity. Here God placed me smack dab in the middle of a little church with wonderful Godly women.
Just like learning a new sport you have to practice to get good at it. I was in twice a week practices and in some weeks more often. Green Valley had a group of woman that anyone would aspire to spend time with. These were Godly women whom loved God, walked with Him daily, and desired to serve Him. As I shared my story and started to get to know some of these women God allowed me some closer more intimate relationships with a few of them.
For me to be in this environment was very intimidating. I did not know how to give and take in a relationship with women. I didn't understand the blessings that same sex relationships that God intended for us. All I knew is, if I opened myself up to these woman, knowing that what I knew how to do best was un-Godly, I could be taken over by old patterns of behavior and put me and any one of these women in a compromising situation. I did not want that. I just wanted it to all be OK. God did too, but He had some things for me to learn, thus the incubator.
If you knew me at all you would know that I'm a woman who is serious about everything. I tend to live in my head and to focus on achieving an objective in front of me is a natural. Although sometimes I cannot see the forest through the trees. Thus my approach in relating to a few of these Godly women was very straight forward. I told them that I wanted to pursue a relationship with them but needed to be sure that they did not struggle, at all, with same sex attractions. I told them that I could not yet trust myself in our relationship and in fact may try to kiss them at some point. I needed to know that they would help me learn to relate properly and not take advantage of my weaknesses. Now mind you, I did not say this to every single woman that I was in contact with. Only those few that I knew were in a place that I wanted to get to with Jesus. Only those few that I felt safe enough to talk to so openly. Only those few whom I knew I already had some what of an attraction to that could lead to an un-Godly relationship.
Thus over the next few years I had the opportunity and privilege to be with these Godly women. To work on committees with them. To learn how to raise my children with them. To learn how to be married. To meet with them for tea, coffee, and the like. To spend time with them learning God's Holy Word (which is my saving grace even today). To learn to pray with them for myself and others, and the list goes on. These women invited me into their lives and allowed me the opportunity to practice relating to them in a way that glorifies God. I did make mistakes and they continued to love me. What a blessing it has been. To bring this little musing to an end without taking up much more space on this website. I'll summarize the gained learning from this incubator experience. I am now able to see others, particularly women, as gifts from God. All who are given a treasure of gifts and talents by Him. Some women you need to dig a bit to begin to see the wonder of who they are. It is always worth it to dig for you will be blessed by the diamond inside of that rough exterior. Not all women hide who they are. Some are resting in Christ and you can see them immediately. These are those who place their trust in Him and serve Him with their whole heart.
To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever. Amen (Jude 24 & 25)
I had been attending Green Valley Christian Church and as God lead me out of the life style and into a married relationship, He gave me my vary own incubator to practice being in same sex relationships that were right and a glory to Him. I knew how to view women as an object of meeting my lusts and desires, wants and needs. I also knew how to hate women whom I viewed as weak based upon my own weaknesses and view of my own femininity. Here God placed me smack dab in the middle of a little church with wonderful Godly women.
Just like learning a new sport you have to practice to get good at it. I was in twice a week practices and in some weeks more often. Green Valley had a group of woman that anyone would aspire to spend time with. These were Godly women whom loved God, walked with Him daily, and desired to serve Him. As I shared my story and started to get to know some of these women God allowed me some closer more intimate relationships with a few of them.
For me to be in this environment was very intimidating. I did not know how to give and take in a relationship with women. I didn't understand the blessings that same sex relationships that God intended for us. All I knew is, if I opened myself up to these woman, knowing that what I knew how to do best was un-Godly, I could be taken over by old patterns of behavior and put me and any one of these women in a compromising situation. I did not want that. I just wanted it to all be OK. God did too, but He had some things for me to learn, thus the incubator.
If you knew me at all you would know that I'm a woman who is serious about everything. I tend to live in my head and to focus on achieving an objective in front of me is a natural. Although sometimes I cannot see the forest through the trees. Thus my approach in relating to a few of these Godly women was very straight forward. I told them that I wanted to pursue a relationship with them but needed to be sure that they did not struggle, at all, with same sex attractions. I told them that I could not yet trust myself in our relationship and in fact may try to kiss them at some point. I needed to know that they would help me learn to relate properly and not take advantage of my weaknesses. Now mind you, I did not say this to every single woman that I was in contact with. Only those few that I knew were in a place that I wanted to get to with Jesus. Only those few that I felt safe enough to talk to so openly. Only those few whom I knew I already had some what of an attraction to that could lead to an un-Godly relationship.
Thus over the next few years I had the opportunity and privilege to be with these Godly women. To work on committees with them. To learn how to raise my children with them. To learn how to be married. To meet with them for tea, coffee, and the like. To spend time with them learning God's Holy Word (which is my saving grace even today). To learn to pray with them for myself and others, and the list goes on. These women invited me into their lives and allowed me the opportunity to practice relating to them in a way that glorifies God. I did make mistakes and they continued to love me. What a blessing it has been. To bring this little musing to an end without taking up much more space on this website. I'll summarize the gained learning from this incubator experience. I am now able to see others, particularly women, as gifts from God. All who are given a treasure of gifts and talents by Him. Some women you need to dig a bit to begin to see the wonder of who they are. It is always worth it to dig for you will be blessed by the diamond inside of that rough exterior. Not all women hide who they are. Some are resting in Christ and you can see them immediately. These are those who place their trust in Him and serve Him with their whole heart.
To Him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before His glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forever. Amen (Jude 24 & 25)
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Lessons from the 5th Wheel
In a life with Jesus Christ, nothing is wasted. Your mistakes, frustrations, failures, joys, and successes all are used by Him to conform you more to His image. Not sure what I'm talking about, read on!
My husband and I were given a 5th wheel, 35 feet long and it sleeps 8, which is one more than we have unless you count the dog. The only push was the 5th wheel was sitting in the yard of a house located in Michagan. We thought well the price of gas was more than worth it to get a free traveling motel. We already had the truck that could pull it and it is way better than tent camping with a two year old.
Knowing that in a matter of days we would have that 5th wheel back in Montana we made plans with some friends in CA to meet in OR to reconnect. The site was booked, the dates were set, all we needed to do was to get that 5th wheel here and get it packed for a weeks worth of fun.
I pulled out on a Monday and drove straight thru to WI to visit my Sister MB. My sons Julian, and Jethro were with me as well as my little Maylah girl. We arrived 25 hrs later and MB's pool was ready for use. A few days later I header over to MI to pick up the 5th wheel. My dad came along for the ride. I really had him come along in case there was some problem, I knew that he could fix it.
We arrived at the location of the 5th wheel with no troubles, met the current owners, discussed the best way to hook up and back this beast out of their back yard and get it on the highway. The hookup went smoothly and a little back and forth and we were out of the back yead and ready for our return trip.
Now I have never pulled a 5th wheel, in fact, I've never done anything with a 5th wheel except step inside a few that my friends have owned. Thus I was niavely believeing that all was well and good with this one. Little did I know that a 22 year old 5th wheel does not really travel well.
We arrived back in WI with little trouble. My children then cleaned out the 5th wheel from top to bottom. The following Monday we hooked up and headed for Montana. After a brief visit in Winona MN we head across the US. The winds were up strong that day. I had cracked the upper windows to let the inside of the 5th wheel air out. We happend to stop for gas and the sun was shining just right and I notice the screan moving in the breeze. Not a problem except that I shouldn't have seen the screen behind the windows. When I look a bit closer, I realize that the windows were completely gone. The strong wiinds had pulled them right out of their hardware and sent them flying , somewhere.
Oh well, I thought to myself. I just hope that it doesn't rain. As I continued down the rode I notice that the front side panel doors were not shut and were flapping in the wind. I pulled off at the next exit and discovered that the latches did not work. I pulled some bungies out and bungied the doors closed but with the bungy in the way they no longer sat flush and with the continued wind whipping them around began to rip apart such that the thin metal cover actually flew away from both panels leaving them in very poor condition.
We continued on anyway. We were almost home and headed thru Butte. We had just gone thru the city when the truck no longer had any power to pull and I coasted to the side of the road and called AAA. My transmission was dusted. I called my husband from the Tow shop, rented a car and drove home. We went back 5 days later to pick up the truck and 5th wheel hoping for no more delays. We knew that the 5th wheel needed new tires so we pulled straight into the local tire shop to have them put on. They told us that the main shock and spring on the left side was broken and wondered how we had ever made it from MI to here without major problems. So we paid for the new tires and a new main spring.
We got home, cleaned up a bit more, and loaded the 5th wheel for our trip. The trip was great and the time with old friends was remarkable. Our friends who are avid 5th wheelers showed us how to get the fridge and hot water heater running. We discovered that our sanitation tube was in need of replacement and the back door knob quit working. We hung a cloths line over the back door since we couldn't open it any way and spent a great week of fellowship with dear friends.
All things must come to and end so we packed up and headed back home. We did take a detore to see some more friends who lived in ID. After two days we were ready to head home. Again we packed things up and headed home.
We made it home with weary eyes but did so safely. The next day we moved the truck and 5th wheel to the side of the yard and left it until Wednesday. Wednesday evening my husband said he was going to unhook and block the 5th wheel as he needed the truck for work the next day. A few minutes later my oldest son came in and said that the pins that hold the jack to the crank had sheared off and that dad needed my help. It was quite the problem but with Karl's quick mind he had a solution. We used his truck jack to get the truck unhitched. The problem is that the 5th wheel's jack is in complete need of repair.
And the story will go on. What has this to do with coming out of the life style? Plenty. The challenges that we have faced with this 5th wheel that was supposed to be free has cost us more than we knew. When you give your life to Jesus you may think that all has been handeled and that you will never have a same sex attraction again. This could not be any farther from the truth.
In my life as a believer, I have seen a couple of people touched radically by God and healed and changed of all things in a moment. But more commonly, I've seen God lead the believer thru a path that takes them thru valleys and mountains, trials and successes, as He draws that believer nearer to Himself. This has been the path that He has taken me on. It is about the process as well as the end result, a changed life that fully glorifies Him. So like the 5th wheel, there may still be some things that need addressing. I don't worry about that, I trust in Him and know that He will do in me what is good and perfect when the time is right, His time. To Him be the glory. Amen.
My husband and I were given a 5th wheel, 35 feet long and it sleeps 8, which is one more than we have unless you count the dog. The only push was the 5th wheel was sitting in the yard of a house located in Michagan. We thought well the price of gas was more than worth it to get a free traveling motel. We already had the truck that could pull it and it is way better than tent camping with a two year old.
Knowing that in a matter of days we would have that 5th wheel back in Montana we made plans with some friends in CA to meet in OR to reconnect. The site was booked, the dates were set, all we needed to do was to get that 5th wheel here and get it packed for a weeks worth of fun.
I pulled out on a Monday and drove straight thru to WI to visit my Sister MB. My sons Julian, and Jethro were with me as well as my little Maylah girl. We arrived 25 hrs later and MB's pool was ready for use. A few days later I header over to MI to pick up the 5th wheel. My dad came along for the ride. I really had him come along in case there was some problem, I knew that he could fix it.
We arrived at the location of the 5th wheel with no troubles, met the current owners, discussed the best way to hook up and back this beast out of their back yard and get it on the highway. The hookup went smoothly and a little back and forth and we were out of the back yead and ready for our return trip.
Now I have never pulled a 5th wheel, in fact, I've never done anything with a 5th wheel except step inside a few that my friends have owned. Thus I was niavely believeing that all was well and good with this one. Little did I know that a 22 year old 5th wheel does not really travel well.
We arrived back in WI with little trouble. My children then cleaned out the 5th wheel from top to bottom. The following Monday we hooked up and headed for Montana. After a brief visit in Winona MN we head across the US. The winds were up strong that day. I had cracked the upper windows to let the inside of the 5th wheel air out. We happend to stop for gas and the sun was shining just right and I notice the screan moving in the breeze. Not a problem except that I shouldn't have seen the screen behind the windows. When I look a bit closer, I realize that the windows were completely gone. The strong wiinds had pulled them right out of their hardware and sent them flying , somewhere.
Oh well, I thought to myself. I just hope that it doesn't rain. As I continued down the rode I notice that the front side panel doors were not shut and were flapping in the wind. I pulled off at the next exit and discovered that the latches did not work. I pulled some bungies out and bungied the doors closed but with the bungy in the way they no longer sat flush and with the continued wind whipping them around began to rip apart such that the thin metal cover actually flew away from both panels leaving them in very poor condition.
We continued on anyway. We were almost home and headed thru Butte. We had just gone thru the city when the truck no longer had any power to pull and I coasted to the side of the road and called AAA. My transmission was dusted. I called my husband from the Tow shop, rented a car and drove home. We went back 5 days later to pick up the truck and 5th wheel hoping for no more delays. We knew that the 5th wheel needed new tires so we pulled straight into the local tire shop to have them put on. They told us that the main shock and spring on the left side was broken and wondered how we had ever made it from MI to here without major problems. So we paid for the new tires and a new main spring.
We got home, cleaned up a bit more, and loaded the 5th wheel for our trip. The trip was great and the time with old friends was remarkable. Our friends who are avid 5th wheelers showed us how to get the fridge and hot water heater running. We discovered that our sanitation tube was in need of replacement and the back door knob quit working. We hung a cloths line over the back door since we couldn't open it any way and spent a great week of fellowship with dear friends.
All things must come to and end so we packed up and headed back home. We did take a detore to see some more friends who lived in ID. After two days we were ready to head home. Again we packed things up and headed home.
We made it home with weary eyes but did so safely. The next day we moved the truck and 5th wheel to the side of the yard and left it until Wednesday. Wednesday evening my husband said he was going to unhook and block the 5th wheel as he needed the truck for work the next day. A few minutes later my oldest son came in and said that the pins that hold the jack to the crank had sheared off and that dad needed my help. It was quite the problem but with Karl's quick mind he had a solution. We used his truck jack to get the truck unhitched. The problem is that the 5th wheel's jack is in complete need of repair.
And the story will go on. What has this to do with coming out of the life style? Plenty. The challenges that we have faced with this 5th wheel that was supposed to be free has cost us more than we knew. When you give your life to Jesus you may think that all has been handeled and that you will never have a same sex attraction again. This could not be any farther from the truth.
In my life as a believer, I have seen a couple of people touched radically by God and healed and changed of all things in a moment. But more commonly, I've seen God lead the believer thru a path that takes them thru valleys and mountains, trials and successes, as He draws that believer nearer to Himself. This has been the path that He has taken me on. It is about the process as well as the end result, a changed life that fully glorifies Him. So like the 5th wheel, there may still be some things that need addressing. I don't worry about that, I trust in Him and know that He will do in me what is good and perfect when the time is right, His time. To Him be the glory. Amen.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Most Gays Are ?
OK, I've had my little rant about my head musings from all the reading that I do. If you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender and read my last blog you may be a bit put off. That is certainly not my intent so let me take a moment to express who I believe most gays are.
Most gays are regular folks, like you or I, trying to make it in this world and find their place and some one to share it with. Most gays are harding working folks who love to do a good job, who get to work on time, and who pay their taxes. Most gays are trying to connect with others of common interests and do something to better themselves.
My purpose in having this blog is not to be politically correct, not to be politically active, not to be right or wrong. My purpose in having this blog is to be transparent, to allow others to see into my life and perhaps benefit from what they see. I never set out to be gay and I never set out to then be straight. I discovered that I had strong feelings for those of the same sex and didn't know what to do with it. I wandered around until I put my feelings together with what the world said I was, gay, actually lesbian. I moved into that life style. While in the life style I also came face to face with Jesus. He revealed Himself to me in a way that I could relate to. He asked me to trust Him, and I did. I didn't pursue Him, He pursued me. After two years of being gay and being in a relationship with Jesus, He asked me to trust Him enought to follow Him out of the life style, and I did. So, here I am today, married and five children later, loving and trusting Jesus for every aspect of my life. Am I perfect at trusting Him, no. Am I perfect in my obedience to Him, no. Does He continue to love me, unconditionally, yes. Does He continue to pursue me to draw even nearer to Him, yes. So the purpose of my blog is to let you see into my life that you may benefit and see Him as well. I'm not totally sure how to do that. I will make mistakes. I will say some things that will probably upset you, forgive me. Thanks for reading.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Eph 3:20-21).
Most gays are regular folks, like you or I, trying to make it in this world and find their place and some one to share it with. Most gays are harding working folks who love to do a good job, who get to work on time, and who pay their taxes. Most gays are trying to connect with others of common interests and do something to better themselves.
My purpose in having this blog is not to be politically correct, not to be politically active, not to be right or wrong. My purpose in having this blog is to be transparent, to allow others to see into my life and perhaps benefit from what they see. I never set out to be gay and I never set out to then be straight. I discovered that I had strong feelings for those of the same sex and didn't know what to do with it. I wandered around until I put my feelings together with what the world said I was, gay, actually lesbian. I moved into that life style. While in the life style I also came face to face with Jesus. He revealed Himself to me in a way that I could relate to. He asked me to trust Him, and I did. I didn't pursue Him, He pursued me. After two years of being gay and being in a relationship with Jesus, He asked me to trust Him enought to follow Him out of the life style, and I did. So, here I am today, married and five children later, loving and trusting Jesus for every aspect of my life. Am I perfect at trusting Him, no. Am I perfect in my obedience to Him, no. Does He continue to love me, unconditionally, yes. Does He continue to pursue me to draw even nearer to Him, yes. So the purpose of my blog is to let you see into my life that you may benefit and see Him as well. I'm not totally sure how to do that. I will make mistakes. I will say some things that will probably upset you, forgive me. Thanks for reading.
Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen (Eph 3:20-21).
Friday, July 13, 2007
Can you reconcile this?
I've been reading e articles, news, mags, and TV regarding this Homosexual issue. I just can't seem to reconcile the gay communities public media desire to be viewed as wholesome and normal with the public displays put forth in many communities. Am I the only one having this problem?
Think about it. They have said, they lead normal lives and yet the most public display of who they are is the "Gay Pride Parade" held in most large cities. Have you ever seen one of these parades? It is sex on wheels. How can I take the gay community seriously when even in Jerusalem they are forcing the government to have this parade to demonstrate who they are? What is wholesome about this parade? What is nurturing about this parade? What in this parade can help me to see gays as "normal." Why doesn't the gay community have another event that is substantially larger than does demonstrate them as wholesome and normal?
I also think about the push to make public the advancements to our life and culture from gay people. They are always pushing for a Gay Awareness Day, week, or month. Let's see, hmmmmm, What hospital has the gay community started, what food relief effort have they created, what community support shelter have they opened for battered woman or abused and neglected children, etc. This just causes me to wonder what societal help have they, as a community, been?
Then there is this whole idea of gay marriage. You would think that in those places of the world where there is gay marriage that gay people would be flooding the courts to get married, and yet this does not happen. In fact, once the intial wave gets married, the rate of marriage drops off considerably. Sweden has had gay marriage since 1985 and the gay marriage rate is so small it is barely measurable. Even with the small numbers you would think that those that do get married make sure it is a strong commitment and yet, the divorce rate for gays in Sweden is 2-3 times higher than the straight divorce rate. Just kind of makes me wonder why gay marriage is sought after so forcefully and then doesn't result in huge numbers of gays getting married. I just can't reconcile this issue either.
Doesn't make sense to me, but perhaps I'm slow to understand. I'll keep pondering it.
Think about it. They have said, they lead normal lives and yet the most public display of who they are is the "Gay Pride Parade" held in most large cities. Have you ever seen one of these parades? It is sex on wheels. How can I take the gay community seriously when even in Jerusalem they are forcing the government to have this parade to demonstrate who they are? What is wholesome about this parade? What is nurturing about this parade? What in this parade can help me to see gays as "normal." Why doesn't the gay community have another event that is substantially larger than does demonstrate them as wholesome and normal?
I also think about the push to make public the advancements to our life and culture from gay people. They are always pushing for a Gay Awareness Day, week, or month. Let's see, hmmmmm, What hospital has the gay community started, what food relief effort have they created, what community support shelter have they opened for battered woman or abused and neglected children, etc. This just causes me to wonder what societal help have they, as a community, been?
Then there is this whole idea of gay marriage. You would think that in those places of the world where there is gay marriage that gay people would be flooding the courts to get married, and yet this does not happen. In fact, once the intial wave gets married, the rate of marriage drops off considerably. Sweden has had gay marriage since 1985 and the gay marriage rate is so small it is barely measurable. Even with the small numbers you would think that those that do get married make sure it is a strong commitment and yet, the divorce rate for gays in Sweden is 2-3 times higher than the straight divorce rate. Just kind of makes me wonder why gay marriage is sought after so forcefully and then doesn't result in huge numbers of gays getting married. I just can't reconcile this issue either.
Doesn't make sense to me, but perhaps I'm slow to understand. I'll keep pondering it.
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