Thursday, September 6, 2007

In the beginning - A Daily Struggle

It's 2 am in the morning and I am not able to sleep. The kids have just started school for this year and our lives are very full. My biggest struggle these days is getting enough sleep. By the time we get the boys home from soccer practice, youth group, or whatever it's already 9 pm and that doesn't leave much time to get things ready for the next days adventures. I try to get up at 5 am to have my time with Jesus, get breakfast, and then wake the kids. I've always been an early riser but at my age I just don't survive well on 6-7 hours of sleep per night.

After I told Jesus that I would trust Him and follow Him out of the life style I had no idea what that would look or feel like, or be like. I just knew that He meant real life to me. Read "My Story" to get more in site into my coming to that decision. I did ask Jesus to do one thing for me and that was to bring me a husband and to teach me how to love and trust him as well. As for the details of how that all came about, it will have to be another blog update.

I remember in the early days. I was already married and had just started having children. As Karl and I lived and worked in the same area that I had lived as a lesbian I was continually being challenged. Every time we would go to a place that I had been to as a lesbian it would begin in me a struggle. Old memories, old feelings, and old longings would come rushing into my mind. These times would always side track me and what Karl and I were doing and begin to rob me of the new memories that we were creating together. The first couple of times this happened I didn't know what to do so I struggle alone. After a time I decided to share my struggles with Karl. He would listen to me as I would share with him that particular struggle and then we would pray about it. It didn't take but the first time talking and praying with Karl to discover that this was a part of God's plan for me to help me become released from my past. Every time I struggled and shared this with Karl and then prayed I would be immediately released. No more struggle. No more begin blind sided by the past. No more getting lost in my thought life and missing this new moment with my husband and children.

This brings to mind a scripture. James 5:16 Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.

The other struggle that I had in the beginning that was more like moment by moment rather than just daily. When you are in the life style, everything is focused upon sex, you develop an very vivid fantasy life where all your thoughts are constantly imagining sexual things. This would go on all the time. Well when you come out of the life style, this fantasy life that you have developed also steals your life from you. Many different things would trigger this but the one that triggered me frequently was the TV commercials. Like a toothpaste commercial where there would be a woman with a beautiful smile. Those would trigger this thought life to begin. I wouldn't be able to think of anything else.

I don't remember how I learned how to battle this. I just knew that every time my fantasy life was triggered, the Holy Spirit gave me a choice. Almost like He held out two choices to me. If I chose to remain in the fantasy life then I would just continue to struggle. If I chose Him, asked for forgiveness and cleansing, I would receive immediate relief. The fantasy life would no longer control me and I could be present with my husband and children.

This also brings to mind a scripture. 1 John 1:9 If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

The two struggles mentioned above happened all the time in the first several years after walking away from the life style. In fact I can remember one occasion. I was in my living room and I had two children and the battle was intense and I was so so tired of always having to have this battle and I can remember asking the Lord, how long must this go on? When will I be free from this constant onslaught. I receive no answer at that time from the Lord. I just faithfully continued to choose Him rather than my past life.

Then one day my husband and I were in a computer warehouse store looking for some things. We had the two boys with us. Karl was looking for one thing and had both boys and I was looking for something else and separated from him to go to another section to find it. I walked down an isle and turned a corner and there, staring me in the face, was the swimsuit addition for sports illustrate mag. This was a profound moment. Normally I would immediately be triggered into a huge fantasy life, but on this day I was actually repulsed by the picture. This was not a choice but a reaction to the poster. I was actually reacting in a normal way. Not that the poster made me throw up or anything but that I didn't want my two young boys to be exposed to the scantally clad woman with all her parts on display. This was not why we were in a computer store. Well, I was still in my reaction state when the Lord said to me. See my daughter, you are finally free from this constant daily struggle of fantasy life. I almost ran up and down the isles of the store and shouted for joy. I was so overjoyed in that moment. I had chosen Him all those many days, even when I was weary from the battle, even though much of me felt that I would never gain freedom. And here it was. I was free. Now does this mean that I've never had any struggles ever again. No but they no longer plagued me daily. In fact today in 2007 I rarely ever have a struggle, I have no fantasy lesbian sexual life. My thought life, when it is sexual is connected to my husband. Even my dreams, when they are sexual in nature, are connected to my husband. This brings to mind another scripture.

Romans 12:1-2 Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual[a] act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

This is what God was doing from the very beginning. He was renewing my mind. He was giving me tools to fight spiritually the unseen part of this battle for freedom in Him. Everything that we do has a spiritual component. In fact, all people are body, soul, and spirit. That is how God made us. In a life apart from God we not only will focus on the body first but will refuse the spirit altogether. In order to grow in the Lord we must see that it is our Spirit life that must be given the highest priority. Not that the soul and body are not important, they are. We must keep the order of priority right. Spirit is first and foremost and that is what we are doing as we read the Word of God, pray, worship, etc. The soul is next and the body is the lowest priority. Even the word of God says not to ignore the body for we are God's dwelling place.

1 Corinthians 6:19 Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;

Next up will be, How did I come to marry Karl and what does that have to do with anything.

1 comment:

Samantha said...

I really appreciate your blog. It's so helpful to read of the experiences of others who are in a situation similar to my own. I love how you share the ways God has led you to become a wonderful wife and mother in the way that he has prescribed.

Just wanted to say thank you.