I could not have dreamed of the life that God has given me. It was not possible. My life today was not even in my imagination.
I had walked with Jesus for two years while living with my last lover. When Jesus asked me to choose between my life with her or a life fully devoted to Him, there was no way to deny Him. He had touched me, healed me, and changed me in two major areas of life and I wanted Him. I knew there was no life without Him. I also believed that I would not survive without someone sharing life with me. I asked Jesus to bring me a husband and teach me how to love and trust him. I also committed to Jesus that I would not get involved with any man that was not actively walking with Him.
Even with my prayer, I could not dream of the life that I have today. What I did dream reflected the value of what I was giving up for Him and also incorporated my hope of what God could possibly do as well. My dream was of one day sitting on the back yard deck, on a warm summers day, with my last lover. We chatted over tea and watched our children playing together. These children came from our separate lives and marriages. This dream was living and active in my heart and mind. I could feel the warmth of the day. I could see the green grass. I could hear the sounds of children playing in the yard. I could see my last lover in the other chair. It was strong and vivid.
After we physically separated our lives, which happened in a very short span of time, we spent many hours on the phone crying and lamenting the great loss we both felt. There were many times during those calls where we talked about this dream of mine. There was no rule book of how to unravel our lives after having lived with each other for two years. As the next year progressed and our lives changed, the need to call ebbed away, the tears faded, and we became independent from one another.
Jesus never chided me for my dream. He never even commented on my dream. Jesus was drawing me closer to Him and helping me become the women that He had intended me to be from the very beginning. I had no idea of who He had intended me to be. If someone with the gift of prophecy had said to me in the beginning that I would be married with five children. That I would love babies, respect my husband, teach Sunday school, that I would no longer struggle with same-sex attraction, that I would find safety and protection in being under the covering of my husband, that I would enjoy doors being open for me by any man, that I would enjoy being in the world of women, that I would love being feminine, that I would no longer walk in the fear of rejection, etc. I would have dismissed this prophet easily, knowing that none of that was really possible.
Jesus did not need to say anything about my dream, it did not prevent him from what He was really doing in my life. The dream just faded away as He brought forward the life that He purposed for me. I am so thankful.
This past August, my husband and I entered a new season of life, that of being grandparents. Our oldest son and his wife had our very first grandbaby. The joy of a grammy's heart is indescribable. Jesus is still at work in me to manifest the life that He has made me for. I am eternally grateful.
2 comments:
your story is so encouraging! Thank you for sharing! How can we love and encourage our loved ones who are love the Lord but are still struggling and how do we as their support group entrust them to God?
Julia, we love them where they are at in their journey. We encourage them to be in the word and in prayer. We invite them into our lives as much as is possible. We pray for them and with them. We continually point them to Jesus in the power of the Spirit and remind them that He is not yet done with them as they continue to work out their salvation. Despite their struggles, we encourage them to reach out to others.
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