Well this was an interesting thing that the Lord did for me during the conference. One evening at the general session I was looking out at the body of people assembled, praying and worshiping the King. I was moved by the passion of those men in this body that give all to strive towards Jesus even in the midst of their struggles.
We had listened to a testimony from a couple who had overcome many things, both met the Lord after many years of persecution and confusion. They spoke their testimony in harmony and in rhythm. I was impressed with each of their stories and how God intertwined them together.
As I worshiped, the Lord impressed upon me just how much women need men to be men so that we also know who we are. Not that we cannot find ourselves apart from them. It was a precious moment as I watched these men worship.
The next morning I attended devotions. It was lead by a man whom I do not have the name of but as He was leading us through this devotion using many scriptures from the Word God spoke to me again. He said to me, "This is a man, as I define him. He is a man as He fulfills his life of knowing Me, and lives a life devoted to me." I was struck by how God was showing me this.
The next day I was again worshiping in the general session and God again spoke to me. He said this what I have shown you is your need. You need your husband to be who I have created him to be. Do not deny this need, I have created it in you and it is good. Only your husband can meet this need as He continues to pursue Me.
It was a bit surprising to me that God would say this to me. I have been married for over 20 years. We have five children together. I could not carry my life without my husband, of course I need him. I continued to ponder what God had shown me and spoke to me. As I thought and prayed I reflected on Adam and Eve in the garden. Eve was created out of Adam by God as a helpmate suitable for him. I kept asking God to help me see just what I was supposed to get. By the end of the conference this is what I believe God was speaking to me.
In my life with my husband I was not denying my need for him. In fact, when the Lord asked me to follow Him and be devoted only to Him and to leave the gay lifestyle behind, I asked Him to bring me a husband and teach me how to love and trust Him. What I did not realize until now is that, although I did not deny this need, I did not embrace it. To embrace this need would be to admit that I am dependent upon my husband for something that I could not give to myself. It also meant in the greater sense that I needed God. God so gently showed me my own need and also showed me how I had yet to accept this part of who he made me. I am female, taken out of male, created by God.
I believe that God creates all women with this need and as He calls us, each individually into marriage, this need is further recognized, met and fulfilled. Only those whom He calls into a life of celibacy and fully devoted to Him does He meet this need in His daughters alone. So my prayer is that the Lord will continue to help me embrace my need for my husband and to embrace it with the fullest joy, even knowing that my husband is not perfect.
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