Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Reflections - Exodus Conference July09 - What if it is not a choice? What if it is not inborn?

Along the same lines as the previous post I also need to broaden my discussion of the way I share about choice.  As I have had opportunity to speak about my journey and the issue of homosexuality I have not been clear enough about how I believe that choice is involved.  Because the issue is so highly energized, as soon as I use the word "choice" I'm sure that I have turned off many listeners who might otherwise have continued to listen.

I need to do a better job about being clear regarding the feelings that one experiences.  No one ever wakes up one morning and says, "gee, I think today is the day that I will be gay."  What happens is a process of self discovery of the reality that feelings for a member of the same sex exist and are compelling.  Much time effort and energy will already have been spent struggling with what these feelings are, why they exist, and what can be done about them. 

As I have listened to many of the speakers at the conference and continue to do more reading since my return regarding the types of things that can contribute to same sex feelings I have come to realize that although choice in behavior is definately a huge part of the journey either toward homosexuality or away from it; a distinction must be clearly made that the existance of the feelings was not a choice. 

For me, perhaps because I carried these feelings around inside of me for a long time before I ever made a decision to act upon them, I can see  so clearly how my own choices have been involved in the direction of my life.  In the same way, after accpeting Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I would have remained in a gay identity and lifestyle, had He not called me out of it.  For me again it was a clear choice. 

What wasn't a choice was the reality that the attractions existed within me, that the struggles remained after my choice to follow Him and leave behind the life I knew (no matter what that meant to me).  Now in time, after 20 years of marriage, five children, and a life of choosing differnt behaviors I can say that the struggle has subsided and the longings for same sex relationships is being met in Godly ways.

So what of the choice issue?  Choice is definately a key part in the direction that you head in life but the reality of discovering a set of feelings that are complelling towards members of the same sex not only need to be recongnized but they need to be acknowledged in all discussions regarding the issue of homosexuality.

Posted via web from jenniferthorne's posterous

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